Results
by AmethystB
Summary: Post Jump, Push, Fall What I had said to Jordan before the surgery pained me so much. She didn’t want to lose me she had whispered that I couldn’t die. Because she loved me.


**A/N: **Post _Jump, Push, Fall. _A little lateI know but I've been tied up. And yes, this is actually my first attempt at a Jordan/Woody...well sorta. It's more friendship than anything, but a declaration of love is officially made so I guess that counts. Enjoy it, Ellen. I know you will.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own it. Never have, never will. Nor do I own the song "Give You Back" by Vertical Horizon. But...I do happen to own my hubby, Wallace Shawn...

**Results**

* * *

_I was staring down the empty barrel of a gun. Why was it empty? It wasn't supposed to be. His face burned in my mind; the anger, the hatred, the betrayal…he was going to pull the trigger no matter what I said. But the gun was empty, wasn't it? It wouldn't hurt me. Couldn't hurt me. The image of the boy changed and morphed into someone I knew. I felt my eyes widen in a state of terror and I opened my mouth to speak but it was dry and nothing came out. The gun wasn't empty anymore. It was loaded. And her face wasn't hesitant; it was sure. Her dark hair fell down past her shoulders and I saw the flicking movement of her head as she squeezed down hard on the trigger._

_There was pain in my stomach as the bullet pierced itself into my skin. It was a numbing pain, though, and all around me things were turning red. Swirling into a red numbness. Everything faded and I tried desperately to find her face among the red but I couldn't see it…_

My eyes opened suddenly and I sat up in one fluid motion, blinking to try and erase the stain of red from the afterimage. It was still there even as I acknowledged the pain in my lower stomach and everything below that. I lowered myself back down to the salvation of the warm blankets and breathed in deeply. Even that hurt me. It was then that I wondered if the hurt would ever stop. Would it ever just go away like I prayed it would? I knew the answer but refused to let it flow into my thoughts. I couldn't accept the answer. Not now when I needed her so much.

But she had shot me down, hadn't she? Even if it had been a dream, she was still the one who had shot me. Not the reality, but the answer of what lay ahead of me. Those simple results of the surgery I had just woken up from. That was what lay ahead of me. The answer of it all was what I would say to her to finish things, one way or another.

It was then that I saw her, sitting and waiting outside of my room. She looked so tired, so tormented by this that it made me want to cry. Because of her persistence, her patience…it would all be for nothing. As soon as my results came through. I blinked again and moved my head, seeing him there for the first time. He was holding her head, letting her rest it on his shoulder. I could see them through the blinds but they could not see me. They didn't know how. They didn't know I was awake and watching them.

_**-I need to know if you were real  
**__**Because I've been known to get it wrong  
**__**When the memory comes  
**__**I'll say I'm always in the dark  
**__**You got me now-**_

Jordan didn't know the full extent of her damage. Always leading me on, making me think that she needed me just as much as I did her. She made me believe that I could always be there for her when I knew that wasn't true. I hadn't been there for her so many times before and I felt guilty for that. She made me feel guilty for that. But the thing that digs into me with biting force is the fact that I love her. I do. I've tried with her. Tried and failed. But my feelings never faded. In fact, they only grew stronger with each failed attempt. And now I know why.

Heartache has come to visit me so many times that I just welcome it now. There's no point in fighting it because it will only win in the end. First my mother, who died of cancer. I was there when she died…just four years old. Then it was my dad. Shot in the back by a teenager robbing a gas station. Five hundred dollars for someone's life. That's not fair. My brother turned to drugs after that. Always sneaking out the back of slummy streets with his friends, trying things and getting high. He said it was a way to feel better, to forget about the pain. It only made it worse, Charlie, and you know it. And Devan. The one person I could fall back on and not be afraid to let everything out. After her death, I found out secrets. She wasn't without her own baggage, but she helped me through mine.

_**-I want to give you back  
**__**I want to give you back  
**__**Somewhere out of here  
**__**I want to give you back  
**__**Somewhere out of here-**_

I looked back towards Garret and Jordan, just sitting there together and waiting for the results that would change their lives. I was often jealous of their relationship. They always understood each other even when they were at odds and disagreeing on things. They always saw things from the other's eyes as well as their own and I was often frustrated at that because I could never do that with Jordan. The way she sometimes acts is understandable, but not something that should always get in the way. She's so closed off and guarded; it's like you need a saw to break through her barrier. But she lets Garret in. Always had and always will. And that's just something I'm going to have to accept. Whether I want to or not.

Jordan is complicated in a simple way. That's the only way to put it. And I don't even know why. I don't want to know anymore. I just want to be able to look at her without feeling any responsibility or need or guilt. I love her and that's what I need to settle on. Love. But we can never be together. Ever. Not now after this has happened.

_**-I can't remember how it went  
**__**You looked like everything I wanted  
**__**And as you came along  
**__**Slowly everything begins to change  
**__**I got you now-**_

If I lose the use of my legs, she deserves something better. She shouldn't have to keep her promise and always love me because I know she will need something more. Something I will never to able to give her. She's an amazing person and she shouldn't have to give herself to me because of this. I may never walk again, and I don't want it to be her responsibility. That's not what I want for the woman I love.

Even if I don't lose the use of my legs, she still deserves something more than me. I get jealous when she's with another man. But why? Like she said, I've moved on with people. People she even knew, to make it worse for her. That wasn't deliberate on my part at all, being with Devan. It was just something that happened, that we had no control over. It hurt Jordan when she saw us together and I missed it because I was happy. But I saw it when Devan died. I saw the change that time made that I had missed.

_**-I want to give you back  
**__**I want to give you back  
**__**Somewhere out of here  
**__**I want to give you back  
**__**Somewhere out of here-**_

What I had said to Jordan before the surgery pained me so much. It wasn't how I felt at all. I knew that she hadn't told me that she loved me just out of pity because there was a chance I might never walk again. She had said it because she meant it and she had realised how much I really meant to her. She didn't want to lose me; she had whispered that I couldn't die. Because she loved me.

_**-That's enough just talking about it  
**__**I don't mind  
**__**I don't mind, no I  
**__**Laugh enough  
**__**Just dreaming about it-**_

I felt the hot sting of tears. I swallowed the lump in my throat. It really wasn't fair, to either of us, but it had to be done. We could never be together because of something like this; something that neither of us saw coming and yet it had been staring straight at us the entire time. I cared about her too much to let her live with the grief that her mother gave her again. If something else happened in the future and I died, she would be trapped. She could never move on. She doesn't deserve to have the responsibility to continuously look after a cripple either. It wasn't fair on her.

So this is why I said it. This is why I said those lies about why she had confessed her love to me. I was protecting her. That was my job.

_**-I need to know if you were real  
**__**Because I'd hate to think that I'd been fooled again  
**__**And as the vision fades  
**__**I'll say I was blinded by your eyes  
**__**I felt them burn-**_

All it depended on now was the results of the surgery. If they came back and it turned out I had to lose the use of my legs, I would push Jordan away with every excuse I could find. But, if the results came back and I would make a full recovery, I would pull her near, though we would only be friends. That's the way it has to be, no matter how we both feel.

I saw the doctor walk up to both Garret and Jordan and he held his head down slightly. In his hands was a green clipboard, with no doubt the results written on the paper. The results, the answers. The future.

_**-I want to give you back  
**__**I want to give you back  
**__**Somewhere out of here  
**__**I want to give you back  
**__**Somewhere out of here-**_

Jordan held a hand to her face and she hid her expression carefully. I could not see her properly, but she turned her head to the shielded window and as I looked into her eyes, it was like she could see me. Her eyes told me everything. I knew the results.

**-fin.**


End file.
